THE OTHER WOMAN

Just the other day, my aunt referred a young lady to me for counseling. The minute she walked into my office,   I could tell what the problem was. She had that LOOK! The look that any other woman would have if there was a problem in her home or marriage. And what struck me most was how young and naive she looked. Or was it her inexperience that made her appear so young and painfully naive?

I implored her to take a seat and of cos asked her what the problem was. Of cos she replied "Nothing". "Oh pulizz!  You mean Aunty brought you here to see me for nothing?!", I replied. Within few seconds that passed by, I took time to study her...she appeared frail, worn out, disheveled. It appeared she hadn't been sleeping. Eeyah, what a pretty girl and she could do better with her looks. Her sobs jolted me back to reality and then her story started...

She is 28years old. She has been married for 4years now and has a son who would soon turn 3years old. She is married to a wealthy Engineer who is not only far more experienced than she is but 15 years older. She is and has always been a full-time housewife (I use the term 'Housewife' as she no get any other handwork. 'Home-maker' is the term used for housewives with other handwork) since she graduated from University.

 She has been trying to get admission into a foreign university but luck hasn't been on her side. Infact, luck ran out on her when she overstayed the 4weeks she applied for in the U.K. She claims she thought the 6 months given to her was for one trip, so she stayed for 5 months (Duh?!). This left her devastated and her hopes for travelling to the U.K in the nearest future slim! Funnily, her husband who appeared to be a concerned and caring husband was ready to spend all his cash to ensure she studied abroad. And each time she didn't get the admission, he would be so upset even more than the applicant herself which left her baffled.

The 'koko' of the matter is that this husband has not slept with this young lady, his wife, since last year February , that's over a year! (Wow! I didn't know such marriages existed where sex is extinct!). Infact, the year before last, he only made love to her thrice. I asked if she had confronted him about it and she said 'Yes'. Then "What was his reply?", I had to ask. "Nothing", she replied. She says that's not even all, that she saw evidences that he cheating on her with another woman. When she confronted him about it, he got really upset and she ended up apologizing to him! What the F@#*k?! Words cannot express how pissed I was with her.

She moved out of the house when she noticed that he wasn't ready to change his ways. I asked whether he came to get her from wherever she went and she replies no. So how did you resolve te matter?h She moved back to the house after some months and while she was away, her husband did not bother to call or even visit her. The sad part is that nothing has changed since she moved in or when she reported the matter to his parents. So right now she is frustrated.

Well I had heard enough. I asked her one question "Do you pray with your husband?". I wasn't surprised when she said "No". What people don't know is that "A family that prays together stays together". God is the one that builds and sustains the institution called 'Marriage'. Without God in a home, there will be cracks large enough for the devil to enter thereby causing havoc.

Secondly, I don't understand why a spouse would decide to leave the matrimonial home when there is a quarrel! You do all your quarreling in the confines of your bedroom, infact the bed. You must never leave your home. That is exactly what the devil wants.

Thirdly, as a woman, you must continue to look for ways to refine yourself, academically, spiritually fashionly. You must always look groomed and trendy admist adversities. You must improve on your self-image and self-worth. If you don't know how, visit a clinical psychologist today.

Fourthly, do not concern yourself about the 'other woman'. She is not important. God will deal with her in His own time.

Finally, you must never give up or lose hope or faith in your marriage. Successful marriages go through trials and tribulations

This I told her and many more. I told her she needs to go and rebuild herself inside and outside in order to fight to keep her home.

May God be with us in our homes. Amen


N.B  If you have an experience you would like to share, please send your story to naijahousewife@gmail.com

WHAT NIGERIAN HUSBANDS WANT!

After so much thought, deep one for that matter, I have come to a conclusion that a typical Nigerian husband wants a M-U-M-U wife a.k.a Olodo wife a.k.a itiboribo wife a.k.a deaf-and-dumb wife a.k.a see-evil-but-no-talk-am wife a.k.a....the list is endless! Some of you fellow wives may be fast to say, "No O! Not my husband". Wait before you start arguing, let me ask you one question, "For you to enjoy your marriage, how did you as a wife need to behave or talk?" Are you enjoying the peace and tranquility of your home because you argued with your husband? Or are you enjoying your home because you nag when he does funny stuff like smoking in front of the kids or coming home drunk? Seriously, just think about it. So you don't know it's because you 'behave' well.

Lemme give you a solid example. I was lying down on my bed pretending to sleep when suddenly it occurred to me that i hadn't done my routine check on my husband's phone. So I reached out to get it where it was beside him(he had fallen asleep...deeply asleep. Trust me I know cos he was snoring *wink*). First, I scrolled through his contacts...nothing! Secondly, his messages...Ah Haa! Those funny text messages from those 'home-destroyers'! I still dug deeper into his BBM (Blackberry Messenger)...I see more 'home-destroyers'! I move to his facebook inbox....Holy Christ! More conversations with 'Home-destroyers'! You may ask, "What did I then do?" Lemme answer you, "Nothing". Yes O! Nothing! So you expect me to use all these information and confront him abi? You see, if I had done that, he would have accused me of invading his privacy. Or I would have given him hell and then he will say his wife nags so therefore he needs to cool his head in another woman's laps! Or I would have given him reason to distrust me and then he will become extremely careful ( which is what I don't want...I need to know who my rivals are. Not that I will fight them O!) with how he leaves his personal items. So after all these findings, I keep quiet. Is this not a M-U-M-U behaviour?!

Another example is that when I and my husband quarrel, and he is at fault O! He will not apologize verbally or even act like he is remorseful, at night when we are about to sleep, he prepares to enter the 'place'. He is not even planning to discuss the issue at hand or even send your feelings. If it were you, will you say 'No'?

Another M-U-M-U situation is when both of us come back from a stressful outing and he is suddenly asking me, "What is there to eat?" I never even remove shoe talkless of dropping handbbag. I look at him very stupified. (No be me and him follow comot or abi na my ghost?!) What do I do?....Nothing except to SHUT UP AND COOK!!

In some other women case (because my own still better), some husbands will tell their wives not to work. Meanwhile, in the woman's mind, she needs to work. But in this case, is it the woman that married the man or the man married the woman? So therefore, you have no choice but to obey without argument. Your happiness does not count now but what Oga at the top has said.

On a final note, if you want peace to reign, it is not everything you see you talk but you can act on it with the Wisdom of God. May God save us from M-U-M-U situations. Amen. Because one day our opinions and feelings will count in our homes and marriages.


N.B If you are a married woman and you feel like sharing your thoughts and challenges in this blog, please send your story to naijahousewife@gmail.com

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

The 'Beauty and the Beast' I am talking about is not the one we all are familiar with. Mschew! That's right, not the Disney owned story! Please, come down from your high horses and face reality! I am talking about the 'Beauties' and the 'Beasts' living among us.

Yes, I am talking about Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Abuse or Violence. I know you may say ..."Old or Stale gist!". It may be to you because you have never been a victim and you will never be in Jesus name. But I am speaking on behalf of the women or men (as the case may be sometimes) who are victims and cannot find their way out. 

I want to use this medium to say  a very big shame to all those 'Beasts'! Only God will judge you. 

Just yesterday, my wounds that are still trying to heal from my own situation re-opened yesterday. I was called  at about 11pm  yesterday night to come and identify a patient brought in via emergency at a private hospital in Lagos. The caller refused to give me further details on the condition of the patient but either ways, I still rushed to the place. Just hearing the word 'Hospital' got me worried.

On getting there, you won't believe who I saw lying half dead at the entrance covered in blood from head to toe! (Oh my God) with her limbs looking out of place! It was my friend Onyinye, my best friend of almost 20years if I am correct. Hmmm....this my friend has been married to a 'Beast' for about 10years now. She is a real beauty who is a victim of domestic violence, is it physical? Is it verbal or emotional abuse? She dey there. Infact, she is a PhD and Masters degree holder in domestic violence.

I have tried times without number to warn her to leave that Beast of a husband, like I did mine but she kept say, "God will intervene". Does God wish for anyone to die a premature death? It is because God knew her time on earth isn't over, that is why He spared her life from this last one that landed her in emergency room.

According to Onyinye's neighbour, Mrs Madu, she(Mrs Madu) and her husband had noticed that the quarrel between Onyinye and and her husband had lasted longer than normal that day. And it started because Onyinye who is a graduate of Economics from a Federal University just got a job and thought she should inform her husband. She has never worked since she got married 10years ago because her 'Beast' told her not to. She obeyed thinking it was even better so as to give her time to take care of the home front. Since the the last  child of 3 children was 6years old, it only made sense for her to get a job and add to the income of the house. She also thought it will reduce her 'Beast' using her as a 'punching bag' which she thought might be out of financial frustrations.

As soon as Onyinye told her 'Beast', all hell let loose. Her 'Beast' started reigning abuses at her calling her all sorts of names. While abusing her, he was also slapping  and beating her. It was when she was falling over things in the house that got the attention of Mr and Mrs Madu who rushed to their flat on the ground floor. And when that her 'Beast' is dealing with her that he locks all doors knowing fully well that neighbours would try to intervene. All efforts to get the 'Beast' to open the door for them proved abortive so they decided to plead with him through the curtains of their living room. Mrs Madu said she could see Onyinye running from room to room trying to save her dear life. At about that time, it was past 8am. Their children hadn't left for school. After much pleading, Mr Madu decided to use the children being late as an excuse for the 'Beast' to leave his wife . With that, Mr and Mrs Madu left Onyi to her fate hoping that her 'Beast' would stop.

Thirty minutes later, Mrs Madu saw Onyi's 'Beast' taking the kids to school. She rushed down immediately to the flat so that she could talk to Onyi. She said she knocked and pleaded with Onyi to open the door, but she got no response. She finally gave up and went back to her flat but kept a close watch for her. It was about 8pm in the evening, she noticed there was no sign of the husband, children and even Onyi. She got worried and beckoned to her husband to escort her to Onyi's flat. They knocked ferociously at the door but got no response. Just as they were about to give up, they heard a deep groan or moan in the living room that was pitch black. They broke in and found Onyi in a pool of her blood. The 'Beast' had broken her head with an object we do not know, he also fractured her 2 hands and had also made cuts on her face. 

Now my friend is lying at the hospital half dead. Her husband has absconded with her 3 children and left her to die. She called out my name in agony before she passed out. 

What I don't understand, is "When will the scales from the eyes of women who are victims fall off?" Mine fell off 2years after I got married to a Beast in Angel clothing. But, trust me, I left him with marks he will never forget. Even if he decides to remarry, he has to explain to that unfortunate wife of his what caused the big scar on his back. (Lol! After the fool thought he had dealt with me, I let him believe so. As soon as he slept off, I poured the kettle of water I had been boiling for a little over 2hours on his back....Oh! That day I felt victorious! I relieve those moments over and over again in my mind). 

See me today, I am alive and shining and even enjoying my kids. I will have to keep fighting for Onyi until gets herself. Please join me and pray for her.

As for the victims of Domestic Violence, I urge you to save yourselves now because tomorrow you might never get the chance to. May God give you the wisdom and grace to make the right decisions. Amen.