I Prefer My Brother-in-law To My Husband

I am 28 and married with a child.

I got married to the brother of my best friend's husband. I did this because of how responsible and respectful my friend's husband is. He is caring, thoughtful and very much of a family man. He is always there for his wife and children and has never lifted his finger against his wife.

This made me very determined to marry into his family. With the help of my friend, a meeting was arranged between his immediate brother and I. At the end of the day, we got married. About three weeks into the marriage, I discovered the only thing he has in common with his brother is the surname they share. He is world apart from him. He is disrespectful, unfaithful and irresponsible. By the time I was six months pregnant, he has started beating me, calling me names like ugly, amoeba and pig. I didn't know what to do anymore since reporting him to his brother didn't make any much difference. If anything, it only made him worse.

The birth of our daughter appeared to touch him in a very special way because he changed and became more responsible. His mother died about a month to the birth of our daughter. Right from her first moment on earth, she looked like her, even having the same beauty spot at the left of her lips like my late mother in law. My husband being particularly close to his mother said, she reincarnated in our daughter. In the early days, he took care of our daughter, always changing her diapers, making her food and taking turns to care for her at night. I was happy but when the baby clocked a year, he changed again giving the excuse that I am taking him for granted.

Although he isn't as bad as he was but he is a far cry from his brother. In all honesty, I envy my friend so much and would have done anything to have her own husband. Whenever I am with them, I wish and crave for her husband and wonder at her luck at having him to herself. How can my husband be like hers? How can I make him responsible?

Yetty.

Courtesy naij.com

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ONLY CHILD SYNDROME

The word syndrome taken from the Greek word ‘sundromos’ meaning ‘running together’, is used for a group of symptoms thatcollectively indicate or characterize a disease or psychological disorder, and can be attributed to a distinctive or characteristic pattern of behaviour. The strong medical connotations and the negative meaning usually attached to the word syndrome makes the word emotive and in many ways derogatory to the experience of the only-child. 

I’m a middle child out three siblings but I am a parent to an only child so I can appreciate how birth order can affect our personalities and actions in life. Some common personality traits of only children are : being confident, well-spoken, not afraid to make decisions, like to be organized, typically do well in school, and sometimes have a tendency to be overly critical of themselves and others. Because they spend a lot of time around adults, they tend to seem like “little adults” with their ability converse and sound more mature than their chronological age.

Many of the negative attitudes towards only children are based on the following view that only children are:

• Over indulged
• Require constant attention
• Are selfish – and put their needs first
• Expect their needs to be instantly gratified
• Fear independence and leaving home
• Can’t empathise with others as their world revolves around themselves – in psychological terms narcissistic.

Being a parent to an only child, I recognized early on that our daughter being an only child living at home was going to have a different life experience. I also knew that I, as a parent to an only child, was going to have a different parenting experience then my many friends with multiple children. Let me share some of my experiences and observations wearing the hat of a parent dealing with the only child syndrome:

1. Don’t mistake their overconfidence for their inner sensitivity: Only children are known for their confidence, sometimes bordering on arrogance. But because they seem more mature then they are due to being around many adults, remember they still have all of the sensitivity of their age dealing with their day-to-day issues.
2. Teach them empathy so that they learn other perspectives: Being an only child sometimes does not give them the opportunity to have to deal with multiple points of view like other children with siblings. Role model empathy by asking them how it would feel to be in someone else’s shoes. This is important for them to learn how to deal with another person’s feelings or actions beyond their own. By doing so, this will aid them in their social interactions.
3. Don’t be afraid to let them fail or make mistakes- As parents of only children, our main focus is on them. We end up feeling their pain, frustration, their sadness and then want to make it better for them. Actually all parents feel this way accept parents of only children feel it more acutely. Failure is just another opportunity to learn; it is not a reflection upon our intelligence or aptitude. A child’s best learning experience is turning around those mistakes and learning from them. Don’t take that life growing experience away from them so they can learn the lesson of resilience on not giving up.
4. Let them learn how to work out friendship or other interpersonal issues: If you as a parent intercede too much and try to overly involve yourself in friendship issues, your child will never learn how to solve them on their own. The typical “ he/she said this to me or they did this to me” rant is very common among children. As a rule of thumb, I never got involved in my daughter’s friendship issues but would guide her in ways she could overcome them. I would pose questions to her like “ What do you think is a good way to solve this issue?” or “ Is there something you may have contributed to this situation that caused this? (kids try to make themselves sound innocent yet there are always two sides to everything!)”. Now if it was a bullying situation or an issue that was way beyond the typical friendship spats, then involvement would be warranted.

Finally, what we should take out of all these is that, if you know you have only one child, please bring that child up in a way that will please God. Don't forget that this child is not yours but belongs to God. Yes, some parents live and breathe their kids! They treat this kind of children like 'Demi-gods' and for this reason, God gets upset and takes those kids away from them, if you know what I mean.

So please, detach yourselves from over-pampering!

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MY LIFE AS A PASTOR'S WIFE

Growing up, I had always dreamt of being married to a pastor. I grew up practically in the church and I always thought that getting married to a pastor would be a sure ticket to heaven especially by association! As I grew older, my dream and desire to become a pastor's wife grew even stronger. I never dated the so-called 'unbelievers'. I was seriously on the look out for a pastor...any pastor! Maybe at this point, I should have known this was becoming an obsession, an unhealthy one for that matter!

I finally met one or so I thought. I had boarded a bus in Edo state that was headed for Lagos (I was serving in Edo at the time) and he was seated beside me. He had an aura of calmness and confidence and he said he was a pastor! Immediately, Pastor Kunle got my attention through out the journey.The journey seemed long because it gave us enough time to know each other as well as exchange telephone numbers and addresses.

My whirl wind romance with Kunle was great initially(at least before we got married). We courted for about 6months before he proposed to me. Of course I accepted but what I found disturbing about the relationship was the fact that Kunle and I had never quarelled talk less of argued. I simply put that thought behind me and      told myself that it must be God at work. Another disturbing thought was the fact that he travelled frequently to other states in the country and I am talking like every 3 to 4 days interval and when I approached him about the matter, he simply said it was his work. I had to understand that, but deep down inside me, something wasn't just right.

During the course of our courtship, I had never met Kunle's parents and he hardly spoke about them. I only got to meet his family members few days before our wedding. They acted funny and were not even warm towards me. They had this siddon-dey-look attitude about the whole wedding preparation thing and even towards our relationship. At this point, I should have probed, but I still failed to listen to my instincts.

Everything took a turning for the worse few days after our wedding. I began to see the real Kunle. It started with him travelling on our wedding night and I asked him what it was that was so urgent and couldn't wait till after our honeymoon...he gave no explanation and then walked out! Four days later, when he got back,I asked the same question. I got an answer almost immediately...a resounding slap! I was dazed for a few seconds and then reality hit me. Before I could ask further questions, I got the beating of my life. You think it ended there, then you are wrong. The violence became more frequent. I tried to inform his family members but they refused to interfere. I couldn't go to my parents because I was taught in the marriage class to learn to manage my home without 3rd party interference. Besides, Kunle was a senior pastor at the church he ministered.

At home, Kunle would make me wear God-forsaken clothes such as the so-called bum shorts, mini-skirts. He would even make me put on heavy make-up and anytime I refused to do these things, I would get the beating of my life. And the funny thing is that on Sunday while he was on the pulpit preaching the word of God, he looked like an angel. We represented the quintessential couple...picture perfect. I had learnt to put on a fake smile and listen to other women's problems. Who would listen to mine talk less of believing that their honourable pastor was a Monster!

The humiliation, domestic violence and frequent travellings got worse. I wasn't pregnant but how can I be pregnant when my husband hardly ever stayed at home.I was fast withdrawing into myself until oneday I had a dream in which God saved me from drowning and it was as if He suddenly washed my eyes. It was one of those days that Kunle had travelled and I was reading my bible, I suddenly stopped and something told me to travel to Edo where he said he was going to. At first, I wanted to ignore that spirit that told me to travel but the same spirit kept pushing me. It was a Saturday morning and I knew I could still get a ticket. Immediately, I packed a few items and headed to the park.

I got to Edo state in about 4hours and didn't know where to start searching for my husband until it occurred to me to block him at the church he usually ministered. My intention was to publicly disgrace him in front of his congregation and let them know about the 'monster' I was married to. So I decided to wait until the following day which was Sunday.

I got to the service late but I managed to get a seat at the back. Lo and behold, I see my husband at the pulpit preaching away. I took my time to assess his congregation, as well as the church. People seated beside me knew I was on a mission because I wasn't properly dressed for service. Few meters away from my husband, I saw a woman with 2 children. It seemed odd to see a woman take the place of the pastor's wife (because only a pastor's wife would seat there). So I ask the lady seated next to me, "please who is that lady in the front row?" and she replied, "oh, that's the pastor's wife and his lovely children. Very beautiful family". I wasn't sure if I heard right so I confirmed from the man in front of me and he said the same thing. And at that point, all hell was let loose! I ran like a mad woman towards the pulpit, heading for his neck! Of course I was stopped! He saw me and was shocked. He tried to prevent me from talking but I sure gave him the disgrace of his life! I exposed him. The church scattered. No be small matter. I got to find out that my so called pastor-husband had another wife in Benue state and who had a child for him. The rest of the story is history...you can figure out what eventually happened  to my marriage!

The point of my story is that young girls should not be too ambitious in their bid to marry a pastor. Pastors are human beings and they can do what other men who are not pastors do. They are not perfect and if they know they cannot live with their imperfection, they should enter any marriage contract with them. Follow your instincts during the course of your courtship.






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LIVING WITHOUT 'ACTION'

A lot of women are living with husbands that have 'no action' (if you know what I mean). I am talking about the famous 'Erectile Dysfunction' (ED) a.k.a e-no-fit-stand wahala! I can categorically state that it is not easy for these women. It takes the grace of God for these women to stay in such marriages.

This issue of ED causes a lot of problems in the home, ranging from disharmony to infidelity to divorce. For this reason, I am writing to share my own little knowledge about it. Thank God my husband is okay( infact he has too much action! ) and will continue to be in Jesus name.
The much I know about ED is that it can be cured. At least, for all the women whose husband suffers from it, be rest assured that it has a cure which can be done naturally through some exercises and food or medically.

There are many causes ranging from psychological to medical problems and sometimes natural as in the case of ageing. Yes now, old men who are in their 80s and above lose the ability to perform( really, shouldn't they be thinking of preparing their will?! Lol!)
For the psychological cause, an example might be from stress at work or at home as well as depression or anxiety from other causes. While for the medical cause, examples include hypertension, diabetes, obesity, drinking too much alcohol and some medications such as antihypertensive drugs.
Before I go on, ED is the inability of the penis to have or sustain an erection for sexual intercourse. Even on receiving the normal sexual drive, many a time, a man fails to get the required stiffness in his penis, which hampers his ability to perform intercourse.


In some cases, some husbands might have the 'fake' type of ED. What I mean is that, when it comes to him having sex with his wife, he will fail to have an erection but if it is with another woman, he will have a lot of action! Most of the time, the major cause of this fake ED is his wife. There are some wives that are generally unappealing especially to their husbands. Maybe it's because of their poor sense of personal hygiene, the dirty, smelly and untidy type. Imagine a man coming back from a hard day's work and meeting either a nagging wife or dirty and smelling wife with wrapper round her chest. Tufia! C'mon Chics! That is a major turn-off. Or is it those women who do not wipe after urinating (excuse my language, but truth has to be told). Or is it those women who lose their swag just because they discovered Jesus. then they start shopping for drabby clothes! So because you are born- again again, does not mean you should look like what I do not know. Even Jesus wouldn't approve!

There are some cases where by the man may be a chronic womaniser and it is only by divine intervention that his problem can be solved. They are never satisfied with the one they have at home, so after wasting themselves outside, tell me how you want to achieve an erection with your wife especially if she insists that you must 'do' her! Lol!

The 'koko' of the matter is that I wrote this to share a friend's experience and seek your candid advice. Yemi is my friend who got married pretty early (in her teens) to a much older person (30ish years older). They have four beautiful children. Her husband is wealthy and basically that was the reason her parents married her off early, so that he could help their financial situation. My friend is very pretty and now in her mid to late 30s. Her husband developed hypertension many years ago and had been on treatment then suddenly he developed erectile dysfunction 8years ago. They thought it was a problem that would only last for a short while, so they didn't really do anything about it until 3years passed them by. My friend's husband was initially bothered when the problem started but after 3years of living with the problem, he became less concerned. She has tried to find solutions on his behalf but to no avail until she met a doctor who told her ED could be treated. She mentioned it to her husband but he didn't seem interested. Now the issue is that she has managed to go off without sex for 8 freaking years and she is freaking young, not to mention beautiful!

My friend called me up last night to ask my advice on what to do. Haba! I don't know how it feels to be in that predicament and I pray never to be. She wants to have a boyfriend who can be 'servicing' her as her other friends have suggested. So she wants my opinion. I just gulped some bolus of saliva! All I could say was, "You know marriage is sacred and..." then the phone cut. Jeez! Thank God it cut because I really didn't know what to tell her. Please people I need comments fast in case she calls back.



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COUGAR MARRIAGE

I just have to ask this? Who is the boss in this kind of marriage where the woman is older than the guy? Because whether the woman likes it or not, the African culture states that the woman should be submissive to her husband. OMG! I have soo many questions to ask!

I personally think Cougar Marriage is an interesting one. I know a few women who are married to younger men and funnily, the relationship appears pretty the same as when the man is older. At least, that's what we (the onlookers) are made to see.

I also sometimes wonder whether she aches to be with an older man especially when and if her marriage is going through the grind. One thing I know for sure, the man almost always cheats on his cougar wife!

I need to ask this one....who pays the bills? Is it the cougar or the cub?

I see men who get married to older women as 'gold-diggers'. When I say 'gold-diggers' I mean young men who get married to older women for their own agenda which ranges from emotional to financial support or even a mixture of all sorts. Point is that there is something in the marriage for them...but definitely not love!

Another scary part that keeps me bothered, is the aging part. Yikes! What do these women do to prevent aging? Because it is not everybody that can afford creams, pancakes and all other sorts of things. I have seen it happen where the woman looks much older than her husband and trust me I shed a tear or two for her. Check this out: imagine going to a party as a couple, and then a long time classmate of the guy says," Hey, Jide! You look good! Is this your mum?!"

I stumbled on this piece of information about Cougar Marriages:1. Women who marry men seven to nine years their junior have a 20 percent higher mortality risk than women who marry men their own age. That is cougar women die before their cub! It must be age catching up with the cougars. 2. The number of cougars with partners five or more years younger than they are has nearly doubled since 1986. Meaning that the economy is getting harsher for the boys and so need 'mummy' to take care of their needs. 3. When a woman is over 10 years older than a man she is married to, she spends 13 percent more of her money. 4. Most men who are at at least 10 years older than their wives, 27 percent have less than a high-school education, as do 20 percent of women in such relationships. So that ultimately means, they could be low-down-dirty-shame cubs!

My husband has this friend that got married to an old mama youngy strictly for gold-digging reasons. The lady in question is about 10 years older and is a bank manager. She has never been married and so unfortunately fell for the wrong guy...my husband's friend! This guy succeeded in sweet talking her into marriage. What I cannot categorically say is who proposed to who? Lol! They soon settled into their new home but 2 months into their marriage, the guy ran to my husband complaining that his wife hadn't got pregnant! Common, she ain't particularly a spring chicken, you know! This is what my husband had tried to warn him against but he ignored him...now he want a miracle baby from a wife that is almost menopausal!

Finally, I can't help but wonder, does this kind of marriage last...as in really last? 

KISS AND TELL

Lol! Many times, when things happen in my marriage(whether good or bad), I actually wonder who to share the information with. Ideally, it should be someone close to you and who won't judge you. So I start doing a fast priority list in my head: husband, mum, siblings, close friend, pastor or someone totally neutral. But then again, I pause...is it worth the stress, that is having to share this piece of 'vital' information. The thought goes on and on in your head until it dies a natural death!

Something happened to me a while ago and I must say it is killing me...I just have to tell, so I have decided to use this medium in expressing myself...please don't judge me ( not that I really care, you don't know me and I don't know you either!)

Two weeks earlier, I travelled to see my aged parents who live in Warri. I used public transport and it is not that I didn't have a car and a driver at my disposal, I just felt like using it. From the onset, I couldn't help but notice a TDH (tall dark and handsome) guy. He seemed somewhat distinguished and sensibly attired. The good part is that he sat right behind me!

While I was busy daydreaming and before I could say "Jack Robinson", this TDH guy had exchanged seats with my seat partner. I like a guy who takes the bull by its horns! So I guess he liked me too. I guess it was obvious that we were attracted to each other but we didn't act it. 

The journey seemed long and not to mention the bad roads! Anyways, we got talking. The conversation started off slowly, you know all the , "what is your name?",  "what do you do?", "where do you work?" - kind of conversation. We generally flowed and we soon found out that we had similar interests. I admired his intelligence, sense of humour and his great command of English. What even tickled my fancy was the fact that he owned a thriving business and still used public transport!..even as a "big boy". I had no other choice but to add 'humility' to the list of attributes I admired in him.

Please, let me mention that I am a happily married woman with 2 beautiful children. My husband doesn't give me wahala...so I don't know where this evil is coming from! Why I had that sudden intense desire for this TDH, I cannot say. My husband owns a thriving business, even though he works too hard. Do you think I lacked enough attention and affection?! Maybe that is what pushed me into what I am about to share with you. 

The journey soon came to an abrupt end, leaving both of us craving to see each other again. We exchanged numbers and addresses. He would be staying at a 5 star hotel for 3 days and I with my parents for 5 days. We conversed through out the night...

The following day, I found myself in front of his hotel room. I only wanted to continue our gist. Seriously?! Who am I fooling? As soon as he opened the door, that moment was too electrifying...the rest is history. Let me also mention that history went down twice that day!!

I never in my life thought I would fall in the category of women who cheat on their husbands. Shamefully, I have to admit that the sex was good...damn good. Contrary to common belief that you feel guilty or disgusted after an extra-marital affair, I didn't. Why? I can't explain that. Maybe it's because I don't feel connected to my husband anymore like I used to. Or maybe it's because I really connected with this guy, I can't say. I feel bad that I don't feel bad, rather I want to share this experience with someone who won't judge me.

If you care to know, I am still in touch with 'TDH' but no sex! So that brings us back to square one. If you were in my shoes, would you kiss and tell?! 

ANONYMOUS.