MARRIAGE AND CLUBBING

Hi fellow wifeys! Please I need your take on the issue I want to bring up.

What do you think about married couples going clubbing? Is there any harm in it?

Personally,  I don't think one's social life should go to level 0 just because one is married. As a matter of fact,  it should spice up d marriage.

In this part of our world, people tend to frown at a married woman hitting the club but reverse is the case for the married man! Now, that's annoying. Why?!

So please, is clubbing a NO! NO! in marriage?

Yours truly,
Housewife-with-dry-social-life.

CAUGHT RED-HANDED!

I have always wondered what I would do if I ever caught my husband red-handed or pants down with another woman (God forbid sha!). No woman ever prays to be in that situation. Recently, this happened to a fellow friend's friend whose husband is or was a bank manager...

The MD of a bank which sounds like the complete pronounciation for the British pounds.... got the shocker of his life recently when his beautiful wife left their ikoyi residence and like a detective trailed him to his lovenest at protea hotel in ikoyi and like a woman scorned,she let all hell loose and tore at his shirt with her voice at its highest pitch.......screaming and crying ''where is the love you promised me?where is the love,where is the loveeeeeeeee?''

The most painful thing is that madam caught him red handed with one of his staff who has since absconded to South Africa on a forced leave. She has probably been sacked..who knows.The bank MD is presently lying low and trying to calm down his enraged wife...hoping they sort it out.

My own 20kobo on this is issue is why she decided to follow her husband? Did she think she married a saint? When I heard the gist, I thought she caught him with the stupid woman on their matrimonial bed but she didn't. The fact that she was already insinuating that her husband was cheating on her would have been enough until God exposes him (because no sin goes unpunished) but No, she had to go snooping.  Ok, now she don see, wetin she don achieve? Now she will say she wants divorce...Olodo major!

Look, Nigerian wives, never divorce your husband because you caught him cheating, instead use it as an avenue to make lots of money from him! Charge him for cheating on you, then charge him for you to forgive him, then charge him before he sees or smells that 'place'!...make that doe off him! Because if you go ahead and divorce him, 1. You will be answering 'Divorcee', 2. Your children go suffer am, 3. There is no guarantee that the next man you meet will not do the same and more! 4. Na you go lose...think about it.

If you wan show am pepper,  do everything inside house. For the record, please do not include your friends inside the matter, their husbands are not any better and they fit spoil matter for you, especially the evil ones among them.

Finally wives, please stop being the detective that you do not have certificate for. At God's own appointed time, your husband if guilty will be exposed.

KISS AND TELL -The Movie

My fellow wives, I don come again O! Please if you haven't watched this movie...leave whatever you are doing and go grab a copy!

I swear Nigerians don dey try for film making at least only if they put better people inside wey sabi speak the one wey we fit understand!

Please take note, I am not advertising for anybody since I am not being paid to do that...but I loved the movie sha!

Who acted in it?...Monalisa Chinda, Joseph Benjamin(abeg, who is this guy?...he is too HOT for my liking *wink and eyelashes*) Desmond Elliot, Uche Jombo, Nse Ikpe Etim and Bhaira Mcwizu

Before I get carried away with Joseph *eyelashes again*, I wanted you guys to watch the movie for a reason. That men actually do not have any reason to cheat on their wives and the married man having issues in his marriage proved that!

We just have to keep praying for our husbands sha!...it's not easy, that much I can say.

HIDING BEHIND THE CLOSET

I have, on occasion, admitted to enjoying a sexual experience with my handsome husband of 12 years. I have never come out and said "SEX WITH MY HUSBAND IS TOPS!" No, I'm much more coy about the whole business of being naked and entwined.

In fact, I never even refer to it as s-e-x; in my world, it's called making out, because apparently people can handle things better when they're watered down. That's why the term 'sleep with' is so popular - it sounds so much better than sex, even though it's so ambiguous.

I "slept with" my husband before we were married. Literally, we slept in the same bed on occasion. However, once we were married we slept together a lot more… but there was never any *actual* sleeping unless I was mad at him or otherwise unable to sleep with him, in that case we'd actually sleep with each other. In fact, unless I'm out of town I sleep with him every night. I have a feeling a lot of us sleep with someone every night. There are some nights I sleep with cats, two at the same time. When I travel with friends I sleep with them. I've even slept with my sister before. SEE HOW INCONCLUSIVE AND MISLEADING SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE IS?

Alright. Here's my beef.

When I have admitted to enjoying human making practice with my husband, a lot of people get all grossed out. Sure, you can enjoy how cute my babies are now, BUT YOU KNOW HOW THEY GOT HERE RIGHT? A lot of practice, that's how. That's six years of secondary infertility for you folks, LOTS OF PRACTICE. If we looked at it as scheduled baby making sex, it was a terribly stressful and miserable undertaking. Frankly I'm quite pleased when I know my friends are in nice healthy relationships with lots of high quality sex. I've never seen a single study that says "Regular sex in a monogamous relationship is a terrible, awful thing - quit it, quit it right now." I'm happy. I love my husband.

I hope you're happy and in love with your partner too.

Back to the disgusting part.

Most of the people who comment "TMI um, gross" to my coded confessions are the same people who pay money to watch other people have sex (in movies.) How much media is out there with gratuitous and unnecessary sex? (*cough* Game of Thrones *cough* Fifty Shades of Grey *hack*) People are losing their damn minds over Fifty Shades being turned into a movie, but do you even know how the author came up with the original concept for her books? She wanted Edward and Bella to shut up and do it already so she went ahead and wrote a book about them doing it, A LOT. There's even tampons involved. TAMPONS. WOULD THERE EVEN BE A BOOK INVOLVED IF IT WEREN'T FOR ALL THE SEX? Absolutely not. No one reads those books because they are great literature, they read them because "sexsexsexysexerson".

If anything we need more happily committed couples admitting that making out after x number of kids, graduate school, expenses, student loans, and the loss of perky boobs can be just as fantastic as the making out we were doing in our younger, firmer and childless years.

So go ahead and be grossed out by regular people with regular waistlines and normal day jobs admitting to enjoying their love life, but know it's hypocritical to be grossed out by real life physical relationships but totally on board with movie stars' body doubles being paid to roll around on top of each other with video cameras rolling and directors suggesting their every scripted move.

WHEN IS SEX TOO MUCH?!

Please no vex, I just want to sample your candid opinion. 

There some wives who will tell you that before they meet with their husbands, they would need to write application which has to be tendered, reviewed, accepted and dispatched! There are some who wished their sex lives could be better, if they had 3 meetings in a month, that for them is Great! Maybe it is because they have a hectic work life, children and other activities...so by the time they get home, they would be spent.

Mnyle, there are some wives who cry that their husbands 'do' too much and look for every means to run away from him! Sho! Sometimes the thing dey turn to fight.

So I began to ponder "When does one actually regard sex as being too much?" Because I thought it was every wives' dream to be desired by their husbands. I fear is that if you do not answer them, that's how dem go carry am go outside.

IS MARRIAGE SLAVERY?

According to Albert Einstein, "Marriage is but slavery made to appear civilized".

Lol! How many of us wives agree to this statement? I no go lie, half of me agrees with him and the other half doesn't. We were made to believe that there is equality in marriage. Can we honestly say there is?

Before you 'traditional' women crucify me, let me give my reasons O!
- when a woman is forced to marry whom she doesn't love, is this not the beginning of slavery?
- when a woman has to endure a cheating husband and people will tell her "it is a man's world", is this not slavery?
- when a woman is forced not to work even with all her certificates, is this not slavery?
- when a wife is forced to enter kitchen and cook even when it is obvious to the husband that she is dead tired, is this not slavery?
- when a woman is beaten black and blue in her home, what will you call this?
- when a woman is forced to have sex with her husband even when there is pending marital issue to be resolved, is this not slavery?
- when a husband makes a decision without informing his wife, is this not slavery
- when a husband does not assist the wife in domestic work even when he knows that there is no maid, is this not slavery?
- when a husband doesn't bring money home and allows the woman to be the breadwinner for donkey years and not that he is crippled, is that not slavery?
- when a husband has total disrespect for the wife by talking to her anyhow anywhere and at anytime, is this not slavery?!
If this is not slavery, I wonder again what slavery then is.

According to the Crusaders Devotional blog:

Marriage is never slavery. It is because the modern world has lost the meaning and standard of marriage from the beginning, and so both parties are doing what they are not suppose to do and undoing what they are suppose to do. The understanding of the concept of marriage and its individual obligations is totally lost and undermined in most part of our world today. Lack of knowledge in this is causing many to perish in their marriages, thereby putting many into ‘slavery’ which never was initially intended. It must rather be the other way round: marriage must help you accomplish your purpose. A woman must marry to accomplish her purpose to help and meet (suit) the man’s purpose in life; the man must marry to make him accomplish his God given purpose with the help of a suitable (meet) woman. The marriage must therefore serve us, not we serving/being enslaved to the marriage….

Looking back at how marriage began: God had finished creating everything in the world including Adam. Every other living thing was in pair except Adam. Then we are told that God saw that it was not good for a man (Adam at that time) to be alone, so He decided to make him a SUITABLE PARTNER/ A HELP MEET – somebody who will ‘HELP’ and ‘MEET’ the purpose of Adam on earth/who Adam is

“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” – Genesis 2:18

Understanding the marriage covenant and the purpose of marriage, we realize that both men and women serve in marriage, but the thing is neither of them is a slave in the marriage. In fact, from the above analysis, in its proper practice, each partner must be treated like a royal!!! Therefore, A ROYAL SERVING A ROYAL DOES NOT MAKE EITHER OF THEM A SLAVE! THEY ARE STILL ROYALS!!! If men and women were TRULY and PROPERLY understanding the real precept and standard of marriage and doing what they must be doing in the marriage, then there will be nothing like abuse or divorce (who doesn’t love royalty/to be treated like a king or queen and will want to leave it?), for then the whole marriage setup will be a thing of royalty and never slavery! Then we will know that making the covenant of marriage and doing the paperwork is really far better than any erotic relationship without a divine covenant or paperwork! If people are marrying the right way and choosing to live by the right standard of marriage, then they will enjoy wonderful experiences of which mere relationships cannot produce.

If we really want to experience this ‘royalty’ instead of ‘slavery’, then let’s get back to the root of marriage to understand the precepts and standard, and seek to do the individual obligations thereof! 

So Nigerian men, please "Submissiveness" is not synonymous with "Slavery". Because you paid small money on top of our head, does not give you the right to talk to us anyhow or treat us badly!

I rest my case.

WHY WIVES CHEAT...

You must be kidding me! Sorry to disappoint you. Even me dey find reasons why women cheat on their husbands. There is no point closing this page, just go right ahead and write the reasons why you think women cheat on their husbands in the box below.

For me the reasons are highly subjective. I say this because if I start cheating on my husband, it would be because I simply want to and not because I have a reason. In the past, I used to be judgmental about this topic until a very close friend of mine who you would describe as a quintessential virtuous woman almost fell into the category of women who cheated on her husband. Thank God, she confided in me early in the relationship, early enough to save her from losing her dignity and her relationship with God (which is the ultimate).

Margaret (name changed) has always been a lucky chic, she had everything going for her. I won't particularly say she lacked the good things of life. She got out of university at an early age. She got a good paying job at an appropriate age. To crown everything, she got married to a good and God-fearing man at an early age( at an age any girl would love to get married, say 25years old). She is blessed with 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Her husband works in an oil-company as an engineer. In short, the girl is seriously blessed! To people, on the outside, she looked like she had a perfect life, even I thought so!

One day, I decided to stop over at Maggie's office and I met her looking out her window, deep in thought. She didn't know I had been watching her for almost 5minutes until I walked towards her and touched her shoulder. She had been crying quietly and so I had no choice but to hold her in my arms until the tears couldn't come out. So we sat down and talked.

Maggie had been dating a guy she met at the mall for about 2years now! (In my mind I am freaking out, not believing what I was hearing...and to think I knew everything about my friend. And I thought I was the wild one!) I asked her how that happened and she said she didn't know. That actually she has been having problems with Jerry, her husband. I asked which problems and she said Jerry her husband wasn't giving her attention anymore, that he was too caught up in his work, that he doesn't even say "I love you" anymore to her...I was still waiting for her to say he doesn't give me money, he beats me black and blue, he cheats on me with the girl next door, he smokes and comes home drunk...but No, she doesn't say any of these! So I had to ask again, "You mean to tell me Maggie, that you are involved with another man because your husband doesn't give you attention or affection?!"  I told her that I didn't believe her and that she hadn't finished telling me why she was cheating on her husband. I asked if her husband knew or had an idea, she said No. So how do you guys communicate with or see each other?...she says through phone calls and they visit each other in their place of work occasionally.

I met her crying because, the guy had invited her for a weekend get-away in Dubai and she wasn't ready to take the relationship to the sexual level. Because she knows travelling with him would involve sex. The truth of the matter is that she didn't want to destroy her relationship with God any further than she had. She was also scared of catching HIV or the most talked about Hepatitis B. Thirdly, she still loved her husband very much...Now to end the relationship will be very difficult and deep down, she didn't want to because she liked the fact that the guy showered her with loads of attention and affection. Talk about marital dilemma!

Now that brings us back to the topic. You see why I said, reasons for cheating is highly subjective. This my friend's experience has made me see things objectively. I shouldn't say because I am not in that situation, therefore, I should start judging these women negatively. We should be our sister's keeper. We as women should know that this institution called 'Marriage' is not easy at all. It takes the grace of God.

The final truth is that there is no real reason to cheat because we should actually not be cheating. Our dealing is with God. Who are we fooling...ourselves of course! Even if you cheat on your husband because he cheated on you, there is no guarantee that this new guy will not cheat on you. If there is a problem in your marriage, then confront it head on, spiritually or otherwise, just confront it!

Chat wit you guys later joor!

THE NAKED TRUTH ABOUT LAZARUS MUOKA --- END TIMES!

WHO IS THE REAL BREADWINNER?!

This is one question on the mind of most women especially the married ones. It is when most women enter the marriage contract that they realise say "story don change". The koko of the matter is "Please, who is the main the main breadwinner?"

I have noticed that a lot of Nigerian women like to fool themselves. Initially, in the early part of the marriage when the love is still shacking the woman, she goes all out to do everything financially possible, just to put a 'smile' on her husband's face, heart and mind! She may continue this unknowingly for as long as she stays in that marriage...and then suddenly, she will just wake up from that her self-induced coma and realise she has been 'shouldering' the family for as long as 10years and then, maybe it is beginning to tell on her, mentally and physically.

You know what pains me about this whole nonsense, while the woman is busy running from pillar to post trying to gather what the family will thrive on, the so-called husband will be busy sprawled on the couch or on his bed, either reading the papers, watching TV or plucking his untamed hairs on his face. In short, the man will be glowing like a young boy about town while the wife starts to look like his older sister or aunt.

Please fellow wives, there is nothing wrong in assisting your husband in ensuring that the family is taken care of. There is nothing wrong in taking position especially when your husband is out of job or his business is experiencing hiccups. After all, no be for better for worse we sign?

Just when I was asking myself what these women are truly feeling for their husbands especially if they are forced to take up their husbands' responsibility, I came across an article by Stella Dimoko, where she was wondering about the same thing. Stella, you be winch? How you take read my mind?

Believe you me, there is no way a woman will still feel that love for her husband, not to mention respect. For me, that is the true test of being a man...the ability to stand up to your responsibilities and not those balls between your legs!

This is what Alibaba wrote on his Facebook page:

''THE PLACE ANY MAN SHOULD NOT LET HIMSELF GET TO IS THAT POSITION WHERE A WOMAN BELIEVES YOU REPRESENT NOTHING TO HER. WHEN THEY GET THERE, IT'S USUALLY A POINT OF NO RETURN. GUYS BE GUIDED.

YESTERDAY, I MET A HARD WORKING LADY WHO HAS PICKED UP THE BILLS FOR HER FAMILY FOR 9 YEARS OF THEIR 10 YRS RELATIONSHIP. SHE SAID, DRENCHED IN TEARS, HE DISGUSTS ME, HE DOESNT TURN ME ON, I DONT RESPECT HIM, I EXPECT NOTHING OF HIM, HE HAS NO AMBITION, HE DOESNT WANT TO GET A JOB, HE BORROWS FROM ME, HE STEALS MY MONEY, HE KNOWS ALL VERSES IN THE BIBLE, HE DOESNT DRESS WELL, HIS VOICE ANNOYS ME, I WISH HIM DEAD...

SO AGAIN I SAY, GUYS, DONT LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS GET TO A POINT WHERE A WOMAN SEES YOU AS NOTHING... THEN IT'S OVER''

These are the one-million dollar exam questions Stella Dimoko put out for we wives to answer and please we have to be sincere to ourselves...

1. When a woman is the breadwinner in a family is it true that she loses all respect for her man?

2. Men who provide for their wives without jobs,is it the same disgust they feel?

3. Please are you in this condition at home?can you tell us how you feel being the sole provider in your home?

4. If you and your spouse both work,how do you swap the house keeping money?

Some women like to suffer sha! Instead of these women to look for who to confide in, they bottle up all the negative  feelings they have for their spouse. These feelings can affect them negatively, psychologically and physically and that is why I still maintain that they should confide in someone who can counsel them, so that they retain their glow or youthfulness. Hian!

 But if you think deeply about the matter, you no go blame them, because after all the wahala they go through for this man, some of these possessed men will still be beating them, cheating on them or go to the extent of marrying another wife!

May we never find ourselves in this situation and for those in it, smile...Jesus loves you. He will give you wisdom to handle your lazy husband.

Please comment, all you wives that like gist and advice your fellow sister. No siddon look!

MEMOIRS OF A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

Watchout for this intriguing journal of a recently turned 40year old married woman with a seemingly boring sex life.

Find out how she dealt with the problem. Did she go ahead to have a boy-toy as her friends urged her to or did she work it out with her husband?

Don't miss it.

Follow us on Twitter@naijahousewife

CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-MISTRESS

Wives, are you holidaying with a cheat this summer? Do you suspect your husband has another woman waiting for him at home while you are away?

This is a firsthand insight into how a cheating spouse operates at this time of year, and the signs to look for if you think you're married to one.

Wives, girlfriends and fiancées beware. What follows is a brutally honest trip inside the world of infidelity - one no man will want you to read...

 

Think of this article as akin to reading the safety instructions on the plane before take-off. You probably won't need them, you pray you never will, but you always take a look 'just in case!'  

During this hot spell we're having, spare a thought for your typical cheating married man (from now on to be referred to as a CMM) as we are about to enter a very difficult time of year for him: a time when he'll need all his wits about him as he knows he'll be under his wife's microscope while away from home, and this will stress him out no end.

At this time of year any CMM worth his salt knows he has to keep strong communication going with his mistress while he is on vacation, so that she will still be there waiting for him when he gets back from his 'intense' family time.  

After all, the poor guy will need some release and  good times after being alone with that dreaded wife he alleges he has nothing in common with (don't shoot the messenger, I am just telling you what they say).

So wives, I recommend you watch your husband's movements closely this holiday. 

If he has to keep popping out to 'call the office,' be aware, and check his last numbers dialled. If he wants some alone time, or decides to seek out day membership at the local golf club, be sure to look for bills and receipts of where he has been, as the typical CMM will make up any excuse just to get away and spend hours on the phone with his mistress. 

If he needs to be alone then it could well be to have lengthy chats with his other woman, who, mark my words, will be giving him immense flack for being away with you and leaving her for so long.  

How do I know this? Because I used to be that other woman. Now, as a reformed mistress (I have been straight for nearly five years) and as Founder of Wife School, I urge you all to live in the truth.

If you have any doubts about your man's fidelity, read on. If it turns out you have a squeaky clean man, then congratulations. He's a keeper and make sure you appreciate him. 

If it turns out you don't, then I'm about to save you unlimited heartache and humiliation, because remember, a man can only cheat for as long as his other half allows him to get away with it.

Let me share a true story with you to highlight just why this is the prime time of year to catch a straying spouse. 

A friend of mine has recently started an affair with a married man. She phoned me last week to tell me how excited she was about it and give me all the details (and no, I don't agree with it, let me make that clear) she ended recounting the story by telling me that at their last dinner assignation, he had announced that he was going away three days later on a two-week Caribbean cruise with his wife (yes, that same wife he'd told her over dinner that he was so unhappy with, the one who didn't understand him, and of course the one whom he never sleeps with). 

He had assured my friend that he would text her and call her from the cruise as much as he possibly could. He also thanked her for being in his life, because the thought of having her to come home to would help him 'get through the lengthy trip'.

Listening to this, my eyes weren't just rolling by now, they were practically spinning out of their sockets. But could this be you? Could you be that Cruise Liner Wife?

I chose to open with a real life story as I don't want you to think I'm making any of this up. 

And, as I take you deeper inside the real world of summer vacation infidelity, be glad I only gave you that PG rated story, as I could have told you about the mistress who wrote to tell me she was on the same cruise as her married boyfriend and his wife. 

Yes that's right, the charmer had booked her a cabin on the actual cruise that he was on with his wife and young family. 

Thus giving him options when his wife had had a little too much sun and sangria and needed her afternoon siesta. 

There are also those married men who book hotels for their mistress to stay in, located just up the road from where they and the family are staying.  

Shocking yes, but trust me, I know, because I've been there. I've also been in my friends' shoes many times. So I know of what I speak.

I've waited for those sacred texts and calls from somebody else's husband.

I've had calls from a married man who took the wife and kids to Disneyland Paris on vacation, where he promptly feigned everything from having to take conference calls to having an upset stomach in order not to accompany them on any rides, and thus be alone to have the opportunity to call me. Often. 

Sadly I had to listen to him drone on about how bad a time he was having (yawn) but still, you get my point? Not fair to either woman, wife nor mistress.

I also had him call me from a family wedding party in Madrid (he had escaped to the toilets to call me and told his wife he had become lost in the hotel while looking for them) and also another charmer who called me from an exclusive five-star hotel in Santa Barbara, to tell me how bored he was there on his idyllic family getaway, and how he wished I was there.  

So whilst you don't need to like me, you do need to listen to me. I'm not proud about my intel and how I got it, and I am certainly not boasting, I am simply sharing. I am not preaching, I am teaching. 

Teaching women to say no to the married man, and the wife to take more interest in his whereabouts.  

Knowledge is power, and I work with women every single day, empowering them to live in the truth. Think of me as a whistleblower, here to expose the cheating man's dirty tactics and clever lies.  If we can all work together as a sisterhood, there will be no room for cheats in our lives.

The first thing you need to know about the cheating married man on vacation is that he is man with a lot on his shoulders. When he is having an affair he has to juggle two women, and their expectations of him, keen not to let either down, wanting to keep both parties happy.  

Now, when a CMM is on vacation, he is out of his natural habitat. He is away from home, and away from the plethora of excuses he normally readily uses. 

Things such as popping to the gym, working late at the office, going for a round of golf, or a round of drinks, with the boys, just won't wash when he is trapped in a two bedroom family apartment on the Costa Del Sol.  But while he may be on his family holiday, a time for rest and relaxation with the people he loves, he will also be most keen to work hard at keeping his mistress happy, as he needs to make sure she is still keen and waiting for him when he does get home. 

Any mistress will tell you this is a hellish time of year for them, but also one where they heap loads of pressure on their married lovers. Pressure to call, text, email from wherever he is, giving him lots of grief if he doesn't. In fact, in hindsight, I can see why some married men do take their mistresses on holiday with them. It probably saves them a lot of effort, and a lot on international phone calls! 

So wives, knowing that a CMM has to work hard to keep you and another woman happy while he is away, your work is almost done for you, as all you need to do is sit back, relax, and watch his behaviour.

Lastly, and I can't emphasis this enough, if you are suspicious to begin with then this is a major red flag. Women were born with stellar gut instincts. Use them! Don't bury your heads in the sand this summer, as all you'll get by doing that is sand in your hair.  

With so many celebrity men cheating these days, and some of their mistresses even choosing to have their "lovechild", my message is that all wives need to be extra vigilant.

So sisters, enjoy your vacations. Be safe and alert, but not paranoid. But remember, if you ever do confront your man about infidelity suspicions, or things you are not comfortable with, and his reaction is to make you feel small, or stupid for asking, or if he belittles you in any way, then this is usually a very guilty man. 

Conversely, if you have an honest, decent man, whom you are possibly accusing of cheating, then he will go out of his way to let you know you are wrong, and to prove to you he is a trustworthy and loyal man, showing you how much he loves you and appreciates you. I pray you all have the latter in your life.  

The only way is loyalty.

Wow! May God help we women O!

Thank you Sarah Symonds for sharing this lovely piece!

SIGNS THAT YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE CHEATING!

My fellow wives, if you have been suspecting that your husbands have been cheating on, worry no further because with the list of signs I am about to present to you, you might have been right all along. Every woman in a marriage worries about infidelity, but unless he stumbles in late at night smelling like cheap perfume, it can be tough to tell whether your man is having an affair. 

I advice you don't misuse this list. Did you ask why? Because, some of you might have husbands who have behaved funny from day one of marrying him, so its not like he suddenly changed! Maybe you may have a naturally cantankerous husband who likes to complain about everything and then when you see his behaviour as one of the enlisted signs, you will start suspecting he's cheating on you! You don enter one chance be that O!

This list is for women whose husbands have suddenly changed over a period of time and who have been suspecting that there might be another woman involved. I am not saying that after reading the signs and then you think that everything seems to be adding up, you will start making the house uncomfortable for him. Mehn! You will so be on your own. It will just be a cue for you to face your worst fears and try and work out how you can save your marriage or you take it to the Lord in prayer. Na una sabi! 

  1. He takes or makes phone calls in private. Although there may be a need for privacy when taking or making phone calls, if your partner retreats to the other room every time the phone rings, there may be something more going on, especially if this behavior is new or has suddenly become more frequent.

2. He deletes the text history on his phone. Most people do not bother deleting old text messages ... at least not until the phone is full. If your partner makes sure that old messages are deleted -- or worse -- he deletes them as soon as he finishes a conversation with someone, there may be more going on than just texting. 

3. He maintains multiple e-mail or social media accounts. If you discover additional or hidden e-mail or social media sites, things are almost certainly not good. Simply put, people in committed relationships have no need to maintain accounts that their partners don't know about. If you discover one of these, it is time to be concerned. 

4. He avoids family or other social events. Infidelity, whether physical or emotional, will always result in lost time with friends and family. If your partner avoids social gatherings or activities, leaves early or arrives late because of some project or task, there may be a strong chance that he is spending time with someone else, whether on the phone, the computer, or in person. 

5. He suddenly spends tons of time with another person. If your partner is suddenly spending a lot of time with a colleague, co-worker, friend or even an acquaintance, particularly if that person is of the opposite sex, you may want to learn more about this relationship and the possibility that there may be an affair going on.

6. He gives gifts or frequently volunteers to help another person. Although it is nice to give gifts and do kind things for friends, family members and even strangers, if your partner frequently gives gifts, especially those that are costly, take time and effort to prepare or have significant meaning, or volunteers to help out with projects around the home, this may be a sign that he is having an emotional affair.

7. You notice a different scent on him. Whether it's another woman's perfume or possibly a different brand of soap from showering elsewhere, your senses know things. If he's coming home freshly showered after a full day of work, the same way he left for work, you may have a hint he's having an affair.

8. He doesn't touch you as much.Sometimes affection drops off a bit due to poor communication, unresolved issues or a recent argument. If this is unexplained behavior or he is repelling you with odd excuses, you may have a hint. At minimum, you have an issue in your relationship that needs to be addressed honestly.

 9. He dresses differently. Has your husband started to dress a little differently or does he keep his vehicle a bit cleaner? Has he been acting slightly happier and more cooperative, yet all of a sudden he is busier and just leaving the house more often? (e.g. going out more often with "friends," running more errands, etc.) If so, take heed. Take interest in his new activity/involvement if you're curious about what's really going on. 

10. He's gone longer. Does your man usually take the dog out for a half hour run every day, but now it's a 60-90 minute walk-run? Who is he running into all of a sudden at the dog park or in the neighborhood? If it's not "chatty Kathy," he may be having an affair. Go with him once in a while. 

11. He picks fights. Is your husband starting arguments that end up in him leaving the house a lot? Are his garments coming up missing here and there? If so, something is going on! 

12. He's being extra secretive. When your husband suddenly has a change in his privacy attitude -- all of a sudden you're not supposed to know his whereabouts or who he's talking to on the phone and it's not close to your birthday, anniversary or upcoming gift-giving holiday -- he may be having an affair.

13. There is a change in the emotional quality of your relationship. This may be shown as your partner is unengaged or overly engaged. We all go through emotional changes, like the weather. However, you may notice that your partner's attitude has changed toward you over time; they may have become more self-absorbed and less interested in you or the relationship. Often, your partner may reject your offers of affection. Your best approach here is to pay attention and be curious.

14. He's extremely angry. Anger and criticism that borders on cruelty is hard to take for all of us. Your partner may treat you with rudeness or impatience. He may be more controlling and more critical than usual. You may sense an increase in the degree of unhappiness in your spouse that is difficult to understand. With some partners, you may actually see an increase in happiness as a result of being involved in an affair.

15. You notice an increase in his work or his time spent away from home.Work can be demanding. During these times of economic stress, most workplaces are demanding more and more from their employees. Workplace relationships can develop into romantic relationships simply because the amount of time spent together on a common task tends to bond people together. If your partner has trouble with boundaries, this could lead to a problem for your relationship. 

16. He pays an unusual amount of attention to his appearance. This would be especially telling if up until now, your partner has not shown much attention to his appearance. If your partner is having an affair, he has found a new source of love and affection. Looking good for his paramour is very important. 

17. He's overly defensive. Defensiveness exists for many reasons. In the past, were you able to discuss issues openly and calmly? What you are looking for here is an increase in the normal amount of defensiveness. 

18. His appearance has changed. Your partner, who previously dressed conservatively, is now suddenly buying designer boxer shorts and more trendy clothes. Or, your partner, who never spent much time grooming himself, is now fussy about how his hair looks and uses grooming products he's never used before.

19. His behavior has changed. Your partner, who usually avoided office parties and events, is now constantly attending them "for the sake of his career." Or, your partner suddenly takes up and becomes obsessed with a new hobby or sport that keeps him away from home. Or, your partner who usually is home for dinner every night now "works late" and takes more frequent "business trips." 

20. His attitude has changed. Your laid back partner seems to have been injected with unusual enthusiasm, seems more happy, alive, energetic and is more kind and loving towards you, too. He may buy you more gifts and shower you with surprises, which, until now, has not been his natural character. 

21. He wants less "we time" and more "me time." When you got together as a couple, you consciously or unconsciously negotiated how much "me time" you would have and how much "we time" you as a couple would have. Now, you are noticing a shift from "we" to your partner wanting much more "me" time. You aren't included to the degree you used to be in your partner's extra-curricular activities. 

Na wah O, this list is long! But I hope you found it useful.

BEING AFRAID LIVING WITH A MAN

I read this article in which Ara, the female celebrity drummer shared her feelings about her fears being under a man's wings! I was made to understand that she had broken up from her husband of 3 years ( sometimes, it's puzzling how adults work in and out marriage especially when it is not on the grounds of domestic violence or infidelity). 

After I read her story and found out that the marriage didn't fail because of 'another woman' as I had initially thought or domestic violence, I started thinking...what then can make a woman walk out of her marriage. Like she says, it's way deeper than I think....Hmmm. Any ways read on and let's deliberate on the issues that can make a woman leave her marriage.

"...Her then husband maltreated her, and she later discovered he had another marriage aside theirs. Here is what she said about marrying again.

I have someone i have a strong feeling for but i guess my fear of commitment has kept me from going further. I am going through counseling now, but i am afraid to live with a man again.

I want to love again, i want to have more children but my fear is still there. My marriage didn't pack up because of another woman. No, it is much deeper than that for me.

I believe a man is capable of sharing his affection. after all, most of us come from a polygamous setting. having more than one wife does not stop you from being happy, the tendency of getting violent will not even be there. it has not been easy but i don't want to make another mistake.

Then people will say she is the one that has the problem. i want to get married but i am being careful. I want to love again, share and care but i have to be careful. there is no age you cannot find love. For now, i am in a relationship".

Now have you guys read what I am talking about. One thing I have realized is that, emotional abuse can be as terrible as physical abuse! Let us not lie, sometimes marrying a Nigerian man can be somewhat complex. I am sorry to say that I feel they get envious and threatened of the strength in us Nigerian women. If we were not really under them, we have the capacity to soar to great heights and achieve a lot of things but No, our pace is slowed down all because, the men want to be in total control! 

It can be very annoying,I tell you. If you are a woman who is married to a man with low self-esteem, he will constantly be threatened by what his wife is capable of achieving and he can start misbehaving by slowly disengaging from his wife emotionally, thereby putting her through psychological trauma. 

Look at someone like Ara, she is a successful woman and mother. Some men will find that hard to handle. In some cases, these men can ask their wives to stop work and be a stay-at-home mum or have extra-marital affairs. And if the woman refuses to be subjected to 'slavery', she will be looked at as being 'not submissive'! 

Mnyle, haven't you read about widows who became great achievers especially when their husbands died. God forbid sha, it is not and will never be our portion IJN! Nobody knew or heard about them until their husbands R.I.P. 

But come O, sometimes a marriage won't work if the woman herself has eyes outside. Having an intimate relationship outside your marriage can be a basis for comparison. A woman can start comparing her husband with her lover. Of cos what do you expect, the lover will treat you better, wait until you go under his wings...his wings I said O not yours! Lol! Na God go help us sha.

Anyway, I still maintain that it is important that we women incorporate God as a foundation in our marriage. Since there are many ways to kill a cat, walking out of a marriage is not an option especially when it is not on the basis of abuse or worse case scenario infidelity. 

Sorry, let me just chip in that any woman leaving her husband because of infidelity, is just fooling herself. There is no guarantee that the next man you meet wouldn't do worse. Infidelity runs deep in a man's vein, it is only God that helps some avoid it. So we had better wake up and smell the coffee and  fight for what is rightfully ours ( not physically O!).

Chat with you guys later, let me go and cook! *eyes rolling*

SKILLS IN SAVING A HOPELESS MARRIAGE

A lot of marriages are going through a storm right now and the woman is thinking all hope is gone about saving what is left of the marriage. Please, I urge you not to be in a hurry to give up on the hope of a fantastic union. It might just be that you need skills on how to salvage your marriage. 

Feel free to add your comments. No one knows all the answers to saving a hopeless marriage. 

1. Make a list … of all the issues you argue about. Treatment will be complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions to these issues, and have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

A lot of women don't do this and that is why progress is usually not made in solving situations or problems in the marriage.

2. Focus on yourself. Attempts to make your partner change invite defensiveness. Instead, use your energy to figureout what you could do differently to stay loving and good-humored when he does things you hate. Become "self-centered" in the best possible sense.

A lot of women enter the marriage contract hoping to change their husbands! Mehn, na die you dey O! Behaviors can only be modified just so that you guys meet somewhere in the middle. You can leave the rest to God.

3. Cut the crap. The negative muck you give each other is totally unhelpful. It only taints a positive relationship. So, no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, digs or snide remarks.

No one is perfect so really, cut all the negativism. A lot of spouses are full of it! 

4. Express concerns constructively. A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following trio of options for sentence starters: "I feel [followed by a one-word adjective]"; "My concern is …"; or "I would like to …"

I still believe in the old saying that " It is not what you say that matters but how you say it!" 

5. Make decisions cooperatively. I call that the "win-win waltz." The goal of the win-win waltz is to reach solutions that please you both. No more aiming to "get your way." Instead, when you have differences, express your underlying concerns, listen to your partner's concerns and create solutions that respond to both.

The key is 'listening' and not just 'hearing'! A lot of couples hear each other but actually do not listen to each other. Shouting at the top of your voices will not help your communication skills and then the problem will end up not being solved.

6. Eliminate the three As that ruin marriages. Affairs, addictions, and excessive anger are relationship dealbreakers. They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage. If you are indulging in one of these self-defeating and relationship-destroying habits, get help and get it out of your life pronto. If your spouse is the one with the problem, trying to save the marriage may be a mistake. Either build a new kind of marriage where these do not occur, or end the marriage.

7. Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner. Smile more; hug more; have more sex; be more appreciative; spend more time dwelling on the things you like about each other; help each other out more; praise each other more; laugh more; agree more; do more fun things together. The best things in life really are free. And the more positives you give, the more you'll get.

8. Learn the skills for a successful marriage. Would you expect to drive a car without first taking driver's  test? Find books and marriage education courses to learn the communication and conflict resolution skills for marriage partnership. Then in, addition to saving your marriage, you'll make it a loving success.

Turn to God for support - Ask for wisdom, understanding and knowledge to handle problems in the home.

God bless our marriages.