HOW TO KEEP YOUR HUSBAND

My dear, since everybody is coming up with one piece or the other on "How to keep ..." , I just decided not to slack in the essay competition! Stella Damasus and Alibaba have written their own! So why not me?!

See, nobody should say anything negative about what I write. If you think you have something to contribute, just add it in the comment. Don't mistake me for Stella, because I will not take it sitting or standing! For your information, I am happily married and still married to the same and only man! 

The truth is that there is no real formula to a happy marriage simply because one man's meat may be another man's poison. What may be keeping your marriage may not be what is helping another woman's marriage. Everything is God. 

But I guess we could and can apply some basic rules:

1. Women, please build your marriage on a Godly foundation. Believe you me when I tell you that a marriage without God is definitely heading for the rocks! The devil hates 'union', so the the idiot will look for any means possible to destroy what God has joined together. Men are lazy in praying, but forge ahead for God is and will be your strength. 

2. No man likes a dirty environment especially the bedroom where he will need to rest his tired head. Even when the man is not particularly tidy or clean himself! Yeah, tell me about it. Imagine your husband coming back from a hard day's work and meeting an untidy home, he will not be in the mood for anything...believe me! He is meant to relax in a clean environment.

3. Husbands don't joke with food! Gosh, I hate this part. But it is the honest truth. If you like quarrel with him but you see that food, serve it with a straight face if you like...just serve it! If you are a wife that experiments with food! Kudos to you, he will love you more. No matter where he hangs out, his mind will always be at home because he doesn't know what his wife may have in the recipe. If you are the type that doesn't know how to cook, you better go and liaise with a good home-food restaurant to give you frequent supplies of home-food so that your husband can at least get 3-square meals! 

4. There can't be 2 captains in a ship. Sorry, but na African man for you, Nigerian to be precise! Or do you have to heads?! My fellow wifey, you are the neck. But not to worry, without the neck the head cannot stand...so you are equally important in the marriage. So when you guys are having your regular arguments and he is shouting at the top of his voice, just make your self invisible or deaf and dumb or mumu yourself! When he is done, quietly chip in yours or you wait till both of you cool off! Na so O my sis! Learn to massage his ego. Any small thing he does in the house, please sing his praises! It is important so they can do and keep doing another one!

5. Respect his privacy and space. Some women are in the habit of going through their husband' s private stuff and then using it against him and in a very stupid way! Ok, you saw a funny text from another chic...and so?! Not only that, you go as far as going through his Facebook account and other accounts...ehen?! See, most women do that, so that they can step up their game and see how they can save their home from intruders! But you see, that's all these bitches are...intruders! Now you know, why don't you shut your mouth up and find out why he is looking outside. Even though some husbands have spiritual problem of womanizing. These type of husbands are the easy ones because you know they are just 'playing' and it is not like they have asked you for a divorce. So what you need to do is get busy with prayers and doing other constructive things! 

6. Husbands hate idle women! These women fast become 'domestic nuisances'( hope the English is correct)! There is nothing wrong in being a stay-at-home mother...best job ever! But please, there is more to life than gossiping with your fellow friends who have too much time on their hands. Imagine a busy husband coming home everyday and seeing his wife doing the same thing which is nothing! Some wives form what I would call Association of housewives! These group of women do nothing apart from gossip about other people or what their husbands did or did not do! Please get busy O! Being a housewife is not an excuse not to do anything. Go back to school, open shop, do networking business...just get busy!

7. Be your husband's Ashewo! ....give it to him, just the way he likes it! You too, tell him how you want it...you are married for Christ sakes! Some of you wives allow you'churcheousness' get in the way of things! When you are in church, you are in church! When you are in bed with your husband, you are in bed! Kai, boring women! Dem plenty! Be deceiving yourselves there...you better satisfy your husband sexually...or you learn how to! If you like go and ask your pastor! Ode! You think it is everything your pastor will tell you?! Some of you, your husband will want a blowjob, you will say you want to ask your pastor! I laugh in Chinese! 

8. Do not neglect yourself! Some wives are the dirtiest, smelliest, drabiest, most unfashionable women in whole wide world! If I were your husbands, I will cheat and cheat on you! From those that tie wrapper round their chest or waist, even towel to those that don't shave their armpit hair or pubic hair...ooh! The smell! They do not even use roll-on not to mention perfume! Or is it the grandma panties (remember Ofunneka's type in the past BBA! ). Even if your husband attends Lord's Chosen or Deeper Life, they still like clean and fashionable women. See my fellow wives, if you do not know what your husband's flavor is, you better ask him! Some of you are lucky because your husband will tell you, but you do not indulge him! If na bum-shorts he like to see you wear at home, please wear O! If na mini- skirt or make-up...please answer him! 

At this point, I have to take a bow! The truth is that we do not know all the answers but we can only try and then leave the rest to God. 

May God continue to abide in us and in our homes. Amen. 

(Sebi I try :-) )