Na wah O! Wonders will never cease sha! This matter of Domestic Violence is still very much a marriage dilemma. Maybe it has come to the point where I have to painfully accept that some things will just never change! I got a mail from an anonymous lady who was willing to share her story with the world and I must say that a lot of women apparently are in the same situation.
Read on...
Dear NHW,
I have been following your blog for some time now and I got hooked after I read your various articles on violence against women. I chose not to say anything, not because I didn't want to but because there wasn't anything more to add, your article said it all.
My own situation is somewhat precarious. I will not exactly say that my husband beats me to the point of giving me a black eye or breaking any of my bones. Instead he does more of shouting down at me especially in front of my children or the maids. He slaps me if I continue to talk back even at him. The slap is usually once but very painful and sometimes I see stars. Let me just say he oppresses me. But what I find very confusing is that he totally behaves himself in front of my people, his family members and friends. It's as if he knows when and where he should misbehave or not misbehave.
To the world, my husband is so charming, always smiling, a great conversationalist and generous. He amazes me with his act. In my marriage, I don't have a voice at all. I am not even allowed to make any decision without involving him, if not I bear the consequences. He claims he loves me especially when I try talking to him about his behaviour but that he hates when I contradict his authority in the house.
I am not happy with the person I have become. I am a very intelligent and extrovertish kind of woman. But since I got married (getting to 5years), I see my self withdrawing from my friends, for fear that I will leak this secret I have been keeping. People close to me keep asking what the matter is but I can't even open my mouth to say it. I am so ashamed of myself and my marriage. My children are my comfort.
Please help me out of this situation. Please.
*O my dear fellow wife, I feel your pain from the depth of my heart. You left some information out sha like how long you knew him before marriage and how his behaviour was before marriage too. I would also like to know his educational level and his kind of job as compared to yours. Because I have observed over time that a lot of men are intimidated by strong intelligent and beautiful women. Sometimes you are not the reason for their violence but their insecurities. They need to feel like men by oppressing their wives. Like I told you in my reply, you need to see a psychologist to help you with your self-esteem which has been traumatized severely. After you have worked on yourself, only then will you be ready for the next step.
A note for other women in same situation, please Domestic violence or Intimate Partner Abuse does not only involve physical abuse, it involves emotional and verbal abuse. *
May God guide women in their decisions.
Hello NHW and madam anonymous. I quite understand your situation, I was in the same myself for 11+ years. One thing I can say is things don't get better or work themselves out neither can you wish it away. You have to take action yourself. First of all speak out. Break the silence. It is like magic, difficult I must warn but it liberates you. Speak to an experienced marriage cousellor. No relatives at the onset for obvious reasons, when you are ready bring them in too the full know of exactly what you are experiencing. Your husband needs to be guided to see things from another perpespective. Like mine, they are good actors living two lives. Prayer and a closer walk with God will give you the strength you need to see clearly and stand on your resolve not to be oppressed any longer. You have to be very strong or you'll give up. The truth will always prevail. I'm still in my marriage but things are no longer business as usual. People will get used to the new you and take you serious when they see you mean business. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse are one and the same. Be ready to be misrepresented, manipulated and threathened by your man. Stay strong and consistent. Avoid violence, you dont want to be injured or killed by mistake. Everyone will blame you. Read and educate yourself on handling emotional abuse etc. It is well.
ReplyDeleteWow, Anonymous, that's a nice one and quite lengthy.
DeleteMy dear..........it is very foolish to stay where you are being oppressed. Carry your kids and go to your family.
ReplyDeleteYou can forgive him and work on yourself from outside. Beating graduates o. I have seen corpses
Besides what kind of example are u setting for ur kids. That's it's ok to oppress and hit women, or that that crap is what a woman should expect in a marriage.
Please please please leave. If he loves you he will come for you and earn you back
NEVER cover for him again
Cos if no one knows his true nature, when he kills you eventually, your corpse will be blamed